Stop! Don’t Touch Me There!
2011
I LOVE freedom! I always want to be a person that wants to get a lil’ more free (well from what I know I need freedom from). I’ve always had a bit of a pit bull spirit, not afraid to take hold of God and not let go in certain areas of my life. I’ve confronted pride and anger in my life with 21 day challenges and positioned my life to be a fighter and a winner (with cute pink boxing gloves on of course!). I’m telling you, I love growing in God … making more room for Him and making more of me “hit the road Jackee” (Jackee because I’m a girl) if you get what I mean 😉 )
Well that all sounds “spiritual” and “good” when you know what you know and you do what you know is right.
Well what happens when you don’t know what you don’t know? And you don’t know you didn’t know it?
In all God’s loving-kindness He’ll allow someone else to show you.
You guessed it! I’ve recently had a head on God collision with something I didn’t know. That I didn’t know about me.
I know what your thinking. Back story pleeaassseee. And yes I will appease.
Recently I was in a leadership class and I had a project that was due at the end of it. I knew exactly what it was going to be. God had already been stirring these ideas about addressing real and raw issues we face as Christians in video form and redeeming reality TV. I kinda love reality TV … I totally get sucked into the human story of it, whatever “it” may be. Weight loss. Talent contests. Interventions. Rags to riches. You name it!
So I was going to rework a skit I did in Bible College that had to do with a girl who couldn’t relate to God as her Heavenly father because of her relationship with her earthy father. It was a great monologue that showed the tension of distrust that turned to surrender (Extra detail: I was performing this skit the first time my husband ever saw me). I wanted to change it and make it a documentary style piece. My husband and I started working on it … and then I saw the fine print on the bottom of the script. You could use it any way you wanted except for video. HALT!
Five days before my project was due I had to re-strategize the vision for the piece. My husband said haven’t you had that struggle? … You know the Dad/ God struggle, what if we tell your story? You know, the way it naturally unfolds in your life and what God is beginning to do in you? Time crunch means Ris said, … “Ok. Sure.” Awwww … and now it begins.
Of course the audio you’ll hear of me in the video below is not of me bawling as I begin to share things about my relationship with my Dad that pop the lid off the …
“STOP! DON’T TOUCH ME THERE! THIS IS MY NO-NO SQUARE!!!”
Ok that is a song you teach your kids to sing while you make a box shape over your private area so they understand that’s a place that’s off limits to strangers. 
But how many of us if we were honest have a NO-NO square with God … known and unknown?
(Aww … let us p.a.u.s.e and think on that.)
Oh babe in that moment I definitely became aware of something deeper. BUT WAIT! I forgave my dad. I feel bad he had a rough life. I feel bad he hurt others because he was hurt. I mostly feel bad he hurt himself and died young. I’m good! I’ve gone there …done this! In bible college! In my closet! At the alter! At Kairos! (Amazing freedom ministry retreat sponsored through my home church Gateway … if you go to Gateway and you haven’t done it … do it.)
My final thoughts on that night; I embraced my cleansing tears and prayed God would prick other’s hearts to walk in greater healing in this area. Because really when we walk into our greatest darkness in our hearts and God comes, He rescues us with His light and then our freedom can’t help but bring others to that same light … right? Well isn’t that what “ministry” really is? If it doesn’t minister than it’s not ministry. If HE hasn’t ministered to us how can we minister to others? … Is it really “us” that ministers or is it the truth we gained that ministers through us? It will always be HIM to us and then through us! So if the video helps anyone it’s HIM! And that’s what I have to say about that.
So two months passed and I didn’t realize that THAT night marked the beginning of a greater journey and the shattering of my NO-NO Square until in a “freedom” conversation (on a whole different subject “I thought” I was talking about) this question was asked?
Did you know there is a difference between a wound and a neglect?
(I don’t get it! I don’t get it! But lights are starting to turn on!)
A wound you can pin point and address.
A neglect is like a nothingness. … a lack of something that should have been there.
(OH CRUNCH! The moment. The realization. The I didn’t know what I didn’t know has been revealed and now … and NOW nothing will ever be the same! I’m seeeeeing it!)
Let me unpack it!
I WILL NOT bash my dad. I REFUSE! So as long as that’s clear I can say I was in situations that caused me to grow up too fast. I was exposed to the emotional inadequacies in a relationship with someone who struggled with many addictions. Did he “love” me … there is no question, YES! Is what I went through right, NO.
Because He loved me didn’t mean he ever connected with me. Honestly I was too scared and internalizing too many awkward situations because I was treated like an adult friend and not like a child. Children can’t counsel adults through their emotional struggles. They can’t help adults process their guilt. They shouldn’t have to feel like they have to protect the adult and themselves not feel protected. I LOVE my Dad … He is the only one I get! Some of my favorite things about me are because of the good qualities of him that are in me. So this is NOT all about him … so then what is it really about?
It’s about a Father God in heaven that is the Pastor of my heart and will NOT do without every area of my heart operating in freedom like He created it too. It’s about when we cry out for more of Him to move in … in order to make more space for himself he has to crowd out the NO-NO boxes. He doesn’t just start throwing out boxes against our will. He let’s us choose to let them go or let them stay. We have to confront every lie connected to every box and kill every NO will a YES … YES God you can go there with your light! YES more of you and less of me! (which actually is the default setting of humility … which gives Him the ability to be exalted in our lives … aka beauty for ashes. Joy for sadness. Comfort for grieving. They are expressions of God exalting Himself in response to humility … that’s just extra food for thought … couldn’t help myself )
SO what’s the neglect?!
I had a friend, kinda. But I didn’t have a “Daddy”. What do you mean by that? I didn’t receive the healthy fatherly love that imputes security, identity, the healthy value as a woman, and the understanding of worth, do we need to go on? So what happens to me when people share or talk about the Father heart of God? I hear and listen to what they are saying but I get a big FAT nothing response in my heart and head. And simply think well that’s great for them!
OK analogy time … this is a good MAN one! 😉
Have you ever gone to a website and clicked on a link or an archive and you get a page that reads: ERROR 404 Page NOT found?
It’s because that page doesn’t exsist. The programming code has not been written or has been written wrongly. (ARE lights going on?)
I realized I’ve been walking around my whole life with this hidden “I didn’t know it” nothingness. So in many situations in my life when I was clicking on the “Father God” link, I kept getting a page not found error and not understanding why. The why is because there was no historical reference point or information that was stored in my brain or heart in that area. I successfully related to God as Savior, Healer, Lover, Husband so the error in knowing Him as Father didn’t stop me from knowing God. It just stopped me from knowing the fullness of what He has for me and a part of Him He is not willing for me to do with out!
Is there any lack in your life in this area? I’ll tell you one thing! He is NOT willing for you to do without knowing Him in ALL the ways He is God in your life! Let’s let more of Him in and together confront and crowd out those NO-NO squares! Let’s stop saying … “STOP! DON’T TOUCH ME THERE!” and instead say, “YES! TO MORE OF YOU AND LESS OF ME!”
I End with:
I asked God does this make me broken?
He answered, “Awww, if you want it too. Don’t be afraid of Broken or undone or of nothing. It’s the best place to be! It means I get to make something from nothing. I get to write code that didn’t exist. I get to be the page you’ve never seen. I get to build in you a city on a hill and then I get to shine! ”
And I said, “Ok … since you put it that way!” And then I said, “I love You for loving me like You looovvve me … I love you for showing me “the know” I didn’t know, that I might really know YOU!”
There were tears. There was grieving. And it came in waves for like three days.
He said more stuff. But this has gone long. It just means I’ll write more soon.
The first video is a prophetic song by Dennis Jernigan that was my heart song. If you are on this same journey or you need a heart song like right about now … you can make this your heart song too.
Great Love! ~Ris
Video short documentary called: Treasure this was also featured on Destiny in Bloom.
Treasure from Visual Gospel on Vimeo.
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Wow that was odd. I just wrote an extremely long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyways, just wanted to say excellent blog!
Wow. I say that because, I had a very similar experience last week at Kairos. I was serving on the Freedom Ministry team, and long story short, God confronted me with my relationship (or lack of) with my mother. It was something I had also dealt with before. I didn't realize there was more. Of course, since it's in His nature, it resulted in even more amazing freeom…. I love how He weaves us all together in common threads that way. (I've been thinking about writing about it, too. Might have to do that. Hmmm… )
Thanks for sharing. I'm just starting a leadership class at church and can't even IMAGINE what kind of project I'll do! So thankful for the varied talents in our midst! Blessings to you on this super cold day!
Processing and going to chew on this for DAYS and send to Salina 😉 She'll love it too. This is really really awesome!!! Thank you for writing
Thank you, Marissa, for the light you just shined into me from Him. Your story sounds similar to mine. I'm fighting for my freedom too, with everything I've got (within my meager knowledge), and just found out that it is my lack of freedom in areas that is keeping me from Him. I wait for Him, for the day to know that page has been found.
this hits my heart & expresses what I didn’t know how to express the “nothing”-ness. Your expressions of truth in love & humility inspire my spirit to trust God when he touches those protected places… Thank you!
I have to say I love your heart. How you share your pain and where you've come from and where you are now. I heard you mention you went through Teen Challenge, I am also I graduate of Teena Challenge. Thank you for sharing and being so open. You have touched a place in my heart that really needs healing. Thank you
Thanks so much for sharing your story Marissa! I love your openness and your heart. My dad struggled with alcohol addition all of my growing up years. In my mid-thirties, the Lord showed me that I desperately needed emotional healing that stemmed for childhood issues tied to dad's struggle. I always knew that my dad loved me, but I never felt secure as a child, and I was emotionally vulnerable as an adult. My dad is in heaven now, and I am so grateful that he is free.
I am very thankful for a loving heavenly Father who graciously walked me through to a place of genuine victory. When I finally sought His help, He led me step-by-step to freedom. My book 'Walking in Victory' was birthed was out of His instructions to me. The more I learned to yield to my heavenly Father's guidance, the more freedom I experience. My heart's cry during that time was, "Lord, please don't let go of me!" It continues to this day to be, "More Lord more. More of Your Love, more of Your grace, and more of Your presence in my life!"
I love your declaration, "YES, TO MORE OF YOU AND LESS OF ME!" Sending love and blessings to you! You are a wonderful blessing!!!
A neglect is like a nothingness. … a lack of something that should have been there…..Ok, I have been to one on one counseling for years, Kairos and every good things like that that has aided in my freedom walk. But whoever said that sentence?? I MEAN- a "light" just went off….and I started to cry. That's exactly what I had that I could never give a sentence to for all my life. THANK YOU for writing this…..I realize I had someone who loved me, but there were so many things I didn't know, that I didn't know- and I too had many big FAT voids when people would talk about certain things…..wow……….is all i can say- thanks Ris- you so rock!!
Wow!!! Tears of joy flowing trough me!:) Thank You Precious sister of mine!:)
Nothing is too difficult for God, whatever our box is or how big it may be. As I read your blog, Marissa, I chose to let God touch all the boxes in my life – boxes of being forced into an adult sexual relationship with my father during the formative years and a box of feeling like "the other woman" in our family without ever understanding what true intimacy is all about. At the end of the last Kairos, a leader said, "this is not the end, it is the beginning" – More of Him, less of me. Thank you, Marissa for allowing Him to speak His heart through you, it has given me strength and courage to pursue freedom relentlessly!
I continue to be blessed by your writing/sharing. The "project" you birthed and shared with us was inspiring and challenging. This latest revelation about nothingness is also profound. You have given me much to think about again. I love your tender vulnerability. I have a little theory that when we have a place of nothingness, it is like an emotional stump. Something beautiful was supposed to grow there, but never did. God has a supernatural ability to rub his love, healing, freedom on our stumps and cause them to grow. We can be re-fathered and re-mothered. We can be all that was in His plan for us. Trusting God to rub his oil of grace on the stumps of our heart. I see fruit in you already. You are loved. Jan
Jan, your comment inspired my heart for my own stumps and boxes, to be re-fathered and re-mothered and that we can be all that was in His plan for us. I'm also trusting God to rub his oil of grace on the stumps o our heart causing them to grow into a beautiful garden. Something out of nothing, that's our God.
Marissa ~ Jan, My how you have given me an entire new revelation!! This week, all week, I have been dealing with my identity and why I can't get past the insecurities. Even though I knew my parents loved me, yet were so emotionally abusive, how could I ever recover? I have tried it seems all my life to gain total confidence in knowing, knowing I am loved and I am a Princess of God! Lord, I trust you to rub your oil of grace on the stumps of my heart!! Thank you for reminding me I can be re-fathered & re-mothered! BEAUTIFUL!! I can be all that I was meant to be! God Bless you Sisters for sharing your hearts!!!
The exciting thing about this journey we are on is that we continue to know the fullness of God. Just when we think we know him, the more we grow, the more we really know him, the more we understand him more fully. But his fullness is boundless….so here is to more 404 moments in this life.
Marissa, I love the openness of your heart and this has touched some"nothing-ness areas in my own life. Bless you for sharing. I so want to daily experience the fullness of Father's love, so I ask Holy Spirit to expose any hidden areas so they can be filled with my Father's "exceeding, abundant beyond anything I could ask or think" love.
AMAZING girl! you rock!
Loved this, Marissa!!! Just might have to share with our high school girls. Almost the exact conversation I had today with a friend. Thank you JESUS for being our perfect father!!!
Love this Ris and thank you for opening your heart and life for all of us to learn to be transparent and real:)
I have had the same realization recently about father God. Thank you for writing b/c your words helped elaborate and shed more light on a difficult matter.
thank you Marissa <3 Thank You JESUS <3
Story telling is something I am inspired by…and your story is no exception!! I loved the blog, the audio, and the video working together to communicate this important message. All my senses were engaged. So was my heart.
Nothingness. Hmmm. I don't have to do deep soul searching to find pockets of them. Life has already revealed some. I just didn't know what to call them or do about them. And now you started me on a whole new journey! This message should be turned into a teaching series!!