It’s kind of funny because I never thought I was an angry person until I got married and had kids. Jesus never said we wouldn’t get angry…because…umm…we WILL get angry…it’s just a matter of how we deal with our anger. I got permission from my husband Yuri to open a window into the raw realness of our lives to share a recent journey I went on with the Lord. I get a lot of comments like, “Wow how do you do all that you do with four kids…AND home school…AND spend time with the Lord…you are like Super Mom!” …Um …no I am just a daughter of the King just like you trying my best to pursue God in the mundane and the great! Just this weekend I would have been the Mom you saw at Subway with her bottom up high noon trying with one hand to hold her britches above her panties and with the other wiping up spilled lemonade from her two year old…all while holding my breath and chanting the mantra we all know, “I think I can…I think I can,”…endure all the starring! I’m just like you…I am in the journey of BECOMING! Becoming the woman after His heart, the wife who honors her husband, and the nurturing steward of the children I must release back into His care. So in this ever-evolving process of becoming…I had begun talking to Lord about how I felt about the anger I would feel almost everyday that my husband wouldn’t walk in the door between a certain time. I would get angry at him for not coming home on time…for surely this reflected how much he loved me…not true. I would get angry at circumstances…especially the ones that would come up fifteen minutes before he left work…because surely this reflected how he picked circumstances over me….not true. Can you begin to see the lies I had allowed my heart to believe? Can you see how those lies fueled and kindled anger in my heart? The journey to freedom and truth in this area began with acknowledging how ugly the anger made me feel. How the enemy was right there to accuse me when I would indulge in it. You know as woman and men we are so different…our perspectives are so diverse. I am a minute counter…I can tell you how many minutes it takes to do almost anything. My husband on the other hand is very optimistic in his generalization of time. Example… Can you conquer the world in three minutes?…and just like Bob the Bulider…”Yes I can!”, would be his response. And I love him for his optimism…I just wasn’t loving it at five pm when I thought I needed him home…just his presence was soothing after a long day of home-schooling and domestic greatness;) So, when I would get the calls that things were NOT going according to my by-the-minute plan….there was the awkward silence followed by the stressed wordless ”mmm…hmmm…” I’m sure he dreaded it.
My heart would be disappointed and withdrawal. When I would get off the phone the devil would begin to accuse my husband to me. Some days I would be the warrior princess Jesus has called me to be combating the lies of the enemy with my numchuck skills of worship and reliance. Other days I would fail in this area of my heart giving way to fatigue and discouragement. Aren’t you glad that it’s not in the falling but in the getting back up that defines a man of perseverance and character…I sure am! We may fall…life in God is not without it’s falls and failures but even in ALL THIS we cling to Jesus and the process of becoming His princess…His bride!
So, as I began to talk to Jesus about my afternoon anger problem and lift it to him. I could hear Him reminding me of a saying I’ve heard many times….”It only takes 21 days to break or make a habit.” This got me thinking and as I meditated on this…I could feel Him calling me to a fast like challenge. Because I was so done with the ugliness this anger would make me feel I responded to the Lord, “Let’s take it to the mattresses! What do you want me to do?…Jesus let’s do this thang!” And then it was like He gave me the download…aka…the God plan. Which involved not calling, texting, or emailing my husband after four pm until he got home and then not asking why he was or was not home by a certain time for 21 days! Now I just had to obey and be diligent to give this gift to the Lord and my husband with a good attitude and joyful heart. Remember God loves a cheerful giver…I may not have been giving him money but I was giving Him the sacrifice of my heart to be more like Him. I was giving Him place to be Lord of my anger. There were days over the 21 day challenge when I had made plans to be places at a certain time and I had to trust God to apprehend my husband and remind him to be home. And you know what?.. HE DID IT! Every time without fail the Lord took my sacrifice and blessed me with His faithfulness. The kind of faithfulness that IS tangible. I knew from the minute the Lord spoke this challenge to me it wasn’t to change my husband…it was to change me! The question was…would I be willing to be the only one changed? Would I change even if my husband didn’t? Would I be willing to take on the perspective of maybe he really didn’t even need to be changed. Ladies… it’s just all about BECOMING…it may not be anger for you…there may be other areas the Lord wants to give you His beauty for your ashes….Let Him have it…I promise you…He can be trusted! If you find any encouragement at all from this rendering of my heart let be that…we are not perfect and…um…He kind of gets that because He made us human and fallible. But as we give him our shortcomings and failures He perfects our faith…He perfects our spirit to grow in the likeness of Christ. So as our spiritual man is BEING perfected doesn’t mean our fleshly man doesn’t have falls (don’t get me wrong the falls become less) but the falls DO NOT disqualify the work of our spirits BEING perfected…we DON’T start over…we simply get up…wipe our hands off…lift our heads to focus on the Son and continue on this journey of knowing Him!!!!
You are LOVED and carried in my heart!
With the GREATEST love,
FRIENDS are like life cheerleaders! “You can do this THANG (called life)!!! You can DO IT well…now GO be FANTASTIC!!!…and yes I’m watching you:)!!!”
This is kinda like an update and girlfriend commission! I haven’t been posting blogs lately not because I’ve lost the love for it….I’ve just been working on a personal project (we’ll see what comes of it). But I HAVE to say I have been (with-out-words) blessed by some of my girlfriend’s blogs!!! …and feeling like…WOW…God is up to something…He is speaking to HIS women…He is speaking to the Mother’s heart…and He’s birthing His dreams for destiny!!! My friend Celeste wrote a blog called DREAMS (visit http://celestebarnard.blogspot.com) and sent me to it…omg my heart jumped as the Holy Spirit was confirming what He had been speaking to my heart in what she wrote. Also another friend Becky posted a blog entitled LOOKING BOTH WAYS (http://meetzegazette.blogspot.com) as she wrote about what the Holy Spirit had taught her this last year…I again found myself dumbfounded in His holy presence. I could hear Him speaking to my heart about His love for us…and how sometimes we feel like we can’t hear Him because we are so hard on ourselves…built on a standard that’s not Him. Love and Grace is His standard. Self acceptance and truth are His standard! Oh Lord that we would walk in greater truth…as deep calls unto deep so we cry out for YOU the living GOD!
All this to say I am in awe of the friends that Jesus has allowed me to connect and partner with to take on this thang called life;) Women who walk with God in the midst of crumbs under their tables, toys scattered through their living rooms, piles of laundry always looming, and the precious but redundant voices that utter some form of Mommy continually through the day…but, yet they are STILL finding God!…and the AMAZING part… GOD is to be found! …but not to forget my friends without children… YET:)!…juggling working and being wife…you are still finding God and giving Him a place…how astounding!
Encouragement is powerful!!! And that’s what I’ve found in the hearts of the woman around me…encouragement that we can do this THANG!!! We can do it well and we can be FANTASTIC!
I think especially among woman it’s important to call out the giftings and praise the growth we see in each others lives. The enemies trap is getting woman caught up in comparing and judging…when Jesus wants ALL of us to succeed and go after our dreams…whatever they may be!!! WE must revel in God in each other’s lives…call out what we see Him doing and come along side God’s plan and say..YOU CAN DO THIS!!! (I love how my precious friend Tirzah called a couple of us on the carpet saying…,”I’ve been to your blogs and alas nothing…can’t wait to hear what you have to share.”…I loved that!…I love the thought and accountability!
So here’s the encouragement that’s exploding in my heart as I stand on the side lines like a cheerleader watching my friends tackle life head on with God!!!
Rebecca~Don’t hold back!!! Unleash the pit bull..we all know he’s in there;) I’m talking about your tenacity…I’m talking about the charm bracelet of giftings and experiences you are called to share with the church…your not called to a few…your called to all! I’m not talking just writing…I’m talking leadership and writing! Can’t wait to be in full view of your bloom!!!
Yvonne~ We haven’t seen anything YET! YOU know it…I know it…and I’m watching…waiting on the tip of my seat about to fall over waiting to see the Holy Spirit explode His purposes in your life. …and ya you’ve been walking in your giftings , ministering, and even getting burnt out sometimes…BUT a new maturing is setting in…I saw IT this last time we were together and I was like what are you doing God?…I want in the know!!! I believe in YOU!! I have ALWAYS believed in YOU!
Celeste~ Over the twelve years I’ve known you..I can probably could count on one hand the times we’ve had the opportunity to hang out! I love that your fun and your spunky… but in God your a fire ball! You have taken Him to the bank on His promises and it’s evident in your life. Your a fighter and an overcomer…keep writing…seriously keep writing…your words inspire and encourage!
Courtney~ My friend who loves to love! It’s been a year of understanding All the deeps of His love hasn’t it:)…really His love for you! How it’s not measured in the opinions of others or the riches (status) of this world …that the depth of His love for us can be found in a season of sacred humility and ultimate dependency. How you’ve gone with him were others are not willing to go…to find truth…to find healing…and now the beginings of VICTORY!! I’m proud of YOU!
Tirzah~ What a blessing your unexpected friendship has been to me! When we came to CO to visit…right away I felt a kindredness and my spirit was immediately at rest in your presence. I love the purity of who you are…I love the encouragement that flows from you…and the best part the humility in which you are unaware of how greatly God uses you! Your AMAZING in so many ways…conquer all that’s in your heart friend!!! Rarely do you find a person that loves so purely… I’ll never forget my breakfast in bed!
Becky~ I look forward to getting to know you better over time! But I have to say…I loved the maturity in which you allowed God to teach you such amazing lessons this last year! Such great revelation and honesty…it’s the kinda truth that sets free. Please keep writing and inspiring!!
Melissa~ The girl can do anything and do it well! There is a great currant of excellence that runs through you! Your so much more than meets the eye! I love how you asses life (your such a watcher)..you take the good and throw out the bad all with having an ability to be incredible gracious of others!! So many dreams are alive in YOU…I can’t wait to see the mosaic masterpiece you become!!!!
My Princess Sarah!~ Oh how you’ve come so far and your going even farther! Your raw and truthful with just the perfect amount of comedy but your also so desperate to please your Father God! There’s no cookie cutter Christian woman…He’s made a place in the kingdom that has your name on it. Your dreams would shock others and Jesus is in that business..because He gets the glory..Keep dreaming BIG girl!! You’ll be amazed at His faithfulness!
Renee~ OMG…so grateful that God brought you back in my life…and from what seems like nowhere! How crazy BIG He is! Your like a stable rock…dependable and like the perfect marriage of fun and faithfulness! Greatness is ya sista!!! I feel it and know it every time I’m with you and think how lucky I am to enjoy the ride of being your friend! So many adventures yet to come!
Joanna~ You are loyal with integrity to the very core!!! I trust you with my life! I can’t find an adjective that would do justice (and I love adjectives!) to express how much I cherish our friendship! You are an amazing journey mate…I have loved seeking to know God more with you! Our many talks of our revelation of who He IS have always inspired me. There is SO much in you! Dream without limits…God has something in store!
Stacy~ Your probably like how did I end up on this list;) I have to tell you girl…(I do try to hold back when we go lunching) so I don’t freak you out…but, when I’m with you I just wanna draw the giftings right out of you! Your so FULL…I venture to say that you might already know this. (Did you like that run on;) No…REALLY…there is a depth in you…you got share it straight up girl…you’ve overcome some things…you’ve seen God BE faithful! I DO love that your blogging..but, you NEED to be blogging;)
Well…WOW…now that I’m done…HELLO!!!…how amazing to know so many AMAZING woman of God…who inspire me daily! I feel so BLESSED!! I love and appriciate you ALL! I hope it was also an encouragement to you that there are other woman out there going after God with ALL their hearts!
You might think this comes easy to me…but actually two years ago God asked me to live out loud (and a lot of that has also been through my writing)… I used to cherish things in my heart and never share the deep things in my heart with others. He gave me a revelation of how we need to hear it…that GOD sees us and that we see each other!
With the GREATEST love,
Your Friend… ~Ris
Okay…I know…”Granny Panties”…bear with me as I share this mornings sweet revelation. I had just finished taking a shower (the place I do the business with God since my three year old won’t even let me go to the bathroom alone because as Hudson would put it…”I need to be with you”)… I was meditating on a song to which the lyrics say we lay are crowns at your feet and in my heart I was responding that way. My heart was saying what an honor Jesus to lay any and every achievement or accomplishment at your feet…I know with great conviction that everything good in my life is a result of the moment you first touched it. …and then as He spoke to my heart the revelation came…He was saying you know what is even more precious to me? …it’s when my children give me the things hidden…things where shame is there ready condemn if scarcely revealed. It’s a selfless act of faith and abandoned trust in the Lord to give him the not so pretty things in our hearts. For me I’ve been dealing with patience with my children…I home school (which I love!)… but we are together all day…there is nonstop talking to me and touching me happening. When I’m short with my children…I can just beat myself up about it…I feel like it’s just so ugly inside. I could make a million excuses for being short and any mother would understand…but I am just so desperate for GOD to touch it! Just then a picture popped up in my head a large pair of white classic hanes granny panties. Nobody truly wants to admit they have ever worn these and would be mortified if ever the band that clearly says hanes crept over the waistband of their jeans. Come on… you know it’s true. Many a mother tried to convince me after I had my babies that these were the most comfortable option for panties. They hold in all the extra weight and water retention…well for me my torso is so short I might as well have tucked them under my bra. I thought alright Lord… i’ll give you my granny panties filled with the impatience I deal with and lay them at your feet. I know a couple of you will know just how difficult it was for me to type out the words granny panties…but the encouragement the Lord gives is just so precious…He turns our ashes into beauty…He loves our shame more than our glories.
So Diva Sista’s and God lovers let God have your granny panties…I’ll stand next to you as we raise our granny panties as banners in full abandon to the Lord…asking Him to touch those things in our hearts only He can!
..Stay tuned for another episode of deep thoughts with Marissa Star…HA!
Rocking my granny panties,