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Dec 15

What could have been shame has become a passionate love affair! My Christmas remembering!

I was in a nostalgic moment…thinking about what Christmas meant to me. I had some time to kill waiting in 20 minutes of traffic trying to get out of the mall parking lot. I was helping my husband with ideas for things the kids could get me for Christmas, when I began to think about gifts and gift giving. A gift giver by nature (and yes it my love language) I always want to get people the perfect gift. A gift that says…I know you…I take notice of the things you like…your style or quirky personality. A gift that ultimately says I LOVE YOU and that you are important enough to me that I would take the time to really think about who you are before I would just get anything. I began to think of what the perfect gift for me would be…I couldn’t even think of anything…a gift giver type person doesn’t even think about gifts for themselves as much as they enjoy buying for others…it’s just not as much FUN;) I began to realize that there really isn’t a perfect gift that could ever satisfy the need we have to feel loved by another person. What gift ever moved my heart…like REALLY moved my heart…that was something I could put in my hand…I thought about my marriage and our courtship…I looked at my ring…I could put it in my hand but, it only represents memories and emotions that are more powerful than the tangibility of the ring itself. This tangent quickly lead me to remembering my salvation…the day I met Him…the ONE that would change everything for me. I was eighteen (thought I was going on 30 or something…too sassy for my own good)…about a hundred pounds hooked on crystal meth…living a life away from God and everything that entails. I had a grandma praying need I say more. I was in a kitchen alone leaning on the counter when I first heard His voice, “I’m going to do wonders in your life.” I replied sharply,” You are going to do wonders in my life..umm..I’m a drug addict by the way…thought you knew that being God and all.” He knew and He chose me anyway. A GREAT kind of love changed me that day and a fantastic love affair with the lover of my soul began. He is the gift that changes me daily if I embrace it. I know that I don’t fully understand the sacrifice of love that Jesus made the day He laid his life down for ALL of US. But I DO know that I came alive when I met Him…He put a dream and purpose in my heart…I knew together with God I could do anything He wanted me to do and we would do it together! So…it’s Christmas…again…and it will come around every year at the same time until I see him face to face. I could focus on not wanting to have to decorate my house…long lines EVERYWHERE…mean people in cars yelling, but you can’t hear them… and let’s not even talk about the post office…or I can take a moment every year (a kind of quiet moment…although I just realized this year I’m sharing that quiet moment with all of you) to reflect on my perfect gift…(truly all of our perfect gift) He came to me as a young girl with great shame and offered me a lifelong love affair…I accepted…and there have been some incredible bonus gifts given along the way…that include the Mister and the four little misters. I LOVE YOU ALL and hope your Christmas is FULL of remembering how we met HIM… this GREAT kind of LOVE!!!!

Aug 30

YES, I have four kids….please STOP STARING!!!

In case you were wondering…
This morning I got up at 7am. All my kids bags and lunches are packed and the baby bag is ready…even breakfast bars and bananas are on the table ready for breakfast. I need every advantage I can get:) The two older boys make their beds and get dressed, put their PJ’s in the dirties… all to get stickers for their behavior charts. They start eating breakfast as I get ready…I still need to dress the 2 year old and baby. With all this preparation I am still 15 minutes late getting in the car. I have to get the 5 and 4 year old to their kindergarten and pre-k classes at 9:30..practically 30 minutes away. Traffic is great and I make up time. I get to their school at 9:27…put the little ones in a double-stroller and run to their classes or staircases if you will. This is the first drama of the day my two oldest are in different classes on different sections of the school and both buildings have no elevator…no way up the stairs for a mom with a two year old and 11 month old. MERCY ME!!! First I ask my four year old to wait with the little ones at the bottom of the staircase while I run Caleb my kindergarten up to his class. We run to the other side of the school where I ask some nice looking person to watch my little people to run Colsen my pre-Ker up to his class. I take a deep breath…put both hands on my DOUBLE stroller…and run back to my mini-van and load up the little folk. I now have to get the smaller ones to our church to sign them into home group childcare so I can make it to meeting at a house back by the school at 10am. Again all green lights..THANK YOU JESUS!!! I get to the church…I start with the two year old…in all my rushing I forgot his lunch..graciously they offer to feed him from the church snacks. I drop off the baby…I had these cute shoes I was going to put on him…ya maybe next time…again I rush to my van. I have 7 minutes to get to my meeting. Well I tried… but, I get to my meeting 6 minutes late…I remember to put on the lipstick that I didn’t have time to at home. Walking to the door I ask God to help me relax and find my “Jesus place”:). It was a leadership meeting for a mentoring life group I’m a part of…I spent the next hour and a half being encouraged and excited about all that God wanted to do in our hearts and all the ladies that attend. I believe in reaching our Potential as women and pursuing our purpose in Christ…it might seem vague…but, every Christian woman in their heart is being called to greatness…all of our greatnesses vary…and everything is made beautiful in its time:)
Then I go to lunch with a couple of my closest friends…one beautiful hour to fully listen to my friends speak without interruptions. We even have a few minutes to run into the GAP for a little retail therapy before picking our kids up at 1pm. I get my little people in the car and realize I have 30 minutes before I have to be back at the school for Caleb’s Kindergarten orientation. He’s in one of those programs where I home school Mon, Wed, Fri and he goes to school Tue and Thur. So I pop into Old Navy to make an exchange. By the time I get Hudson and Davis in their car seats for the fifth time that day I see major signs of no nap meltdown happening. I get to the school at 1:45…think to myself there’s no point in bringing the stroller in, we all have to go up there to his class. I put Davis (the 11 month old) on my hip and brace Hudson’s the 2 year olds) hand tightly and say under my breath..(we can do this!…I think I can!…I think I can!:)
This is Texas and it’s hot!! I get up there…I’m not glowing..I’m flat out sweating!!! I seat down on one of those made for little people chairs with Davis on my lap and Hudson sitting on the chair next to me…a chair that is actually made for him:) The teachers start talking and Hudson is all over the place…talking to himself in loud toddler jibberish…one of my friends takes the baby and a teacher brings Hudson some blocks. Soon Davis has his eyes on the blocks and Hudson is bringing arm fulls of blocks to the baby…I wish I can say I heard anything the teacher said…but, all I heard is Blah..blah..bl..bl.blahhhhhh…as I thought in my head..WHAT WERE YOU THINKING bringing them all with you!!!
Finally it’s over and I think… I’ll just call one of my friends later and have them tell me what was just said. And… as I was thinking that thought Hudson took off… around the corner and down the stairs…LOVELY…I still have to go to the other building and get Colsen. Caleb gets his bag and holds Hudson’s hand and we head over to Colsen’s class. I ask the teacher how he did as I am bending over with the baby on my hip packing up his bag…she says…”ya, he did good but he was having some troubles wiping after he went number two when he informed me that he didn’t wear underwear to school today.” When I replied, ” I lay out their clothes for them and they dress themselves…this usually doesn’t happen.” She smiles and says, “You might just want to wash those shorts really good:)” I stand up and find hudson eating the other children snacks off the classroom tables. I try to grab his hand and he throws himself on the ground…a nice lady gives him a piece of banana..(I’d like to think it’s motherly camaraderie but, I think she was just feeling sorry for me.) I have to bend down pick him up and place him on my other hip. I walk down the stairs with two children on each hip trying to balance and not fall. I left the building carrying 50 extra pounds in this crazy heat all the way to my van…literally streams of sweat are running down my forehead. I get them all situated and blast the AC. When I ask Colsen about the underwear…he notified me that he just didn’t have the time to put on his underwear…just his shorts….funny…. he had enough time to watch TV before we got in the car. I head to the nearest Starbucks…I don’t care that it it almost three in the afternoon….I need a caffeinated treat and you know what… a scone too! I take a moment and shed a couple of frustrated tears….because crying a little makes me feel better. I think about the other day when my husband was playing guitar for a Sunday night service and I had forty minutes before I could check them into the church nursery. So, I headed of to TJ Max. Yes.. with ALL of them…it was only thirty minutes. I started by browsing the purses, I let the boys pick out their favorite colors so I could look at the ones I really wanted to see. Then I went through the shoes and then passed by the night wear section where I saw two older woman staring at me through pink lace bras and panties. One had her hand over her mouth like I can’t believe you are going shopping with ALL of those kids. The other one had her face all contorted in awe that I would take on such a task. I glanced away only to look back and catch them STILL staring at me…I shrugged my shoulder right at them….like what… I can’t shop for cute clothes because I have four kids…YES, I have four kids…please STOP STARING!!!! So… I was thinking about these woman as I was crying in the Starbucks parking lot. I wonder how many ways they could have contorted their face in awe if they were a fly on the wall of my life today. I would then have to say to them…Ladies of TJ Max…my mother always told me that you shouldn’t make looks on your face like that…it might just get stuck that way!!!!
Thankful I had some great Misty Edwards worship playing in the van and was able to find my “Jesus place” on the way home.
I glanced in the rear view mirror to say YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!……AND GOSH DARN IT…PEOPLE LIKE YOU:)!!!!!!!

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Star Girl

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    My Name is Marissa Star and this blog is dedicated to loving an unseen God in a seen way! I love being real ... I love lives being changed ... I love the freedom that comes from authentic living in intimacy with God! I'm a God lover, a proud wife of my own personal genius-man, and a beaming Mama to four lil' men! Here's to living life out loud and loving hard! ~Ris
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