A little “something”


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I don’t even know how to start this blog! It’s kinda been a crazy season of God calling me out of the comfort of my nest, a nest hidden away on a cliff (and in my heart I could fill the stirring that He was asking me take up things I had buried)…well…He initially was calling and then He eventually just pushed me out…out into the open air of uncertainty. I can almost imagine Him say to the Holy Spirit…let’s see if she’s gonna fly …what’s the worse thing that can happen…SPLAT!!!!

So…my cousin asked me to do “a something” for the upcoming Gateway women’s conference. “a something” meaning some kind of dramatic snack for the women coming to the conference…something that would help them laugh and take a deep breath in of full acceptance of themselves and open up their hearts to all that God wanted to do there. When she initially called…I was like okay God if you want me to do it I’ll do it…but, I’m totally freaked out…it’s been a LONG time…a long time since I’ve acted. For those that know me…know I ACT every day…but, this was the formal kind…like for an audience…AHHHHHHhhhh! It was like going back to an old childhood home and deciding to visit an old friend. You get to the door and as you approach closer..it feels familiar…but, different…at least for me. In the past this pathway was filled with confidence as I had honed in on my craft and felt capable…but, twelve years and four kids later…I was feeling insecure. The old friend was theater, drama, the arts whatever you want to call it. As I see the door in my mind…I remember this friendship it was full of passion…but, then I begin to see clearer…oh…I can remember the pain. I can see myself the first time I visited this house, walking in to find every kind of costume, hats, props, and the ohhh the make-up. At that time in my life I struggled to find my place in my family after my Mom remarried…I had looked to friends and boyfriends to create a kinda suedo family. Then I had even looked to drugs. I was intrigued, overwhelmed and in-love all wrapped up into one grand experience of emotion as I tried on all the elaborate costumes and lost myself in the make-up. Could I really dress up and read lines and in way live a pretend persons life? Wow…It didn’t take long for me to discover that I liked their lives better than mine. This hobby of acting and performance afforded me the opportunity to live someone else’s life… even if for a fleeting moment.

I want to say most people have “a place” they draw from when operating in the arts whether that is a happy healthy creative place or place of pain… which obviously depends on the life experience of the person. For me I was in eighth grade when I wrote my first poem…aka…a desperate plea for help. Well… there were tons to follow; needless to say my creativity was from a place of pain. So when Jesus apprehended my heart when I was eighteen….it was a journey, but He began healing my heart. I did some “say no to drugs” skits in several high schools while I was in Teen Challenge. We did secular campaigns against drugs in local schools. But it wasn’t until I went to Bible College when I would try my hand at spiritually meaningful drama for ministry. I joined a drama group at the college…we were each given material to learn. The leader had given me a monologue about a woman that struggled with her relationship with her heavenly father based on her relationship with her earthly father in which there was an emotional outburst followed by a breakthrough at the end. This type of drama for ministry was a whole new ball game for me….can we say insecure…can we say fear. Ya…the weight of this being a channel God would use…(through us)… to reach the hearts of men…it overwhelmed and confounded me! I tried to reach down into “the place” to get the emotion and inspiration that I had gathered there before and found nothing but mush. My heart was mush…it wasn’t the hard heart calloused by sin…it was a soft mushy heart transformed by God’s love. I was going to have to learn a new way of acting. In the beginning I felt naked and uncomfortable, but God met me. I traveled with the group for a year going to churches and events using drama to minister. Then I took a job on campus that didn’t afford me the electives I had been a part of the year before. During this time I also met Yuri.. now my husband. Life got busy…I graduated…I got married…and somewhere in all of that I laid the talent down…I venture to say I even buried it. Heck..I’ll say it…I live in “brutally honest land”… I may accessorize with frosting and sprinkles, but truly I still live in “brutally honest land”. To be completely honest (smiles)… it wasn’t that hard to bury. It was difficult to portray authenticity of heart and also be in character. Granted I am talking about drama…but, to me comedy was just as difficult.

Years went by and these experiences became foggy memories. When Yuri would brag on my accomplishments in the arts. I would in embarrassment look to the side and think…that was another time and another place. I didn’t remotely feel related to that person. So here we are…I’ve had four boys and ALL that entails. I haven’t memorized a line in eleven years and I get this call from my cousin about doing this little “something”. It’s funny how God works. In the last year I was sensing God’s destiny stirring on the inside of me. Destiny is a broad word…so I want to say it like this…every woman is called by her creator to greatness in Him…all our greatnesses vary as we are all gifted differently. Knowing Jesus like I do..He is probably putting His finger on your giftedness right now and as He begins to talk to you about your destiny…embrace it! For some of us…it’s so scary…I know it…but He equipped and gifted us in our mother’s womb…we were made for this moment… to fulfill our purpose in Him. My first dream when I got saved was to be married and be a Mom…I would think…man some people want to be astronauts…and I want to be a mom. Now I know that there is all kinds of greatness wrapped up in whatever it is He has called each one of us to be and do….we just need to do it! To not be a afraid of what others might think…God once told Yuri and me that our destiny was bigger than the opinions of those around us…it really set us free. It helped us get a God of the Universe perspective and not be paralyzed by the fear of man. I know I’m rambling…but if you get anything out of this I want you to get that your called to greatness, He has equipped you with the giftings to fulfill your call and destiny in him whatever that is. I am not saying that I am the next super drama star…not at all…I just overcame something huge and I know that we all can. I posted a video of my performance on youtube so you can see what I’m talking about. And again I am not trying to give myself props…just share the work that God did in my heart that got me to the place that I could even do it. I love you ALL!

With a GREAT kinda love,

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